09 December 2013

It's the most wonderful hardest time of the year

09 December 2013
The holidays have been different since my dad passed away 6 years ago. 

But this is the first season that I have felt the loss, his absence so keenly. It's like grieving all over again and I'm overwhelmed by how much I miss him.


The day I found out seems like a scene from a movie. I was at work, around 9:00 AM and I got a call - the call. I got up from my desk, rushed to an empty office, but before I made it inside, I heard it and yelped, No. Three of my colleagues, all women, were beside me, arms around me, crouched down in front of me, in an instant. I can't remember if I was crying.

One of them handed me a $20 to take a cab home. I went to my boyfriend's apartment, climbed in bed, and slept. What else could I do?

The memorial service was a blur. Still is a blur. I wouldn't remember who was there if not for the guest book. The weeks and months after that, I cried a little, but not a lot. I had nightmares, but during the day, I was a shell of myself, going through the motions.

And I realize that I have been pretty numb all these years. I've missed him every day since he died, but I have been avoiding how much it really hurts. How scary it is to say, he's not here and never will be again. How hard it is to admit that I used to pray, plead, bargain so that he would live long enough to see grandchildren. How shocked and stupid I felt that I took for granted he would live long enough to walk me down the aisle. Why didn't I pray for that instead?

My dad's name is Sam and his birthday is on December 13. My husband and I are putting together a little gift for him, for me, to celebrate. I'll share it with you on Friday.

If you're missing a loved one this Christmas, bless you - it aches, I know. Let's remember them together.

22 comments:

Alyssa said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss–I can't even imagine how hard this time of year must be for you. Thinking of you xo

Short and Sweet Blog said...

Oh Ashley I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad. I can't imagine how difficult it must be during the holiday season. Hugs, friend!

jillian said...

ashley i am so so sorry for your lost. i cant imagine losing a parent... i know it'll happen eventually but i am sure the holidays are extremely difficult. thank you for sharing your story and know that he is looking down on you. xo

ashley nicole catherine said...

thank you, jill <3

ashley nicole catherine said...

thanks so much. it's hard, but it was nice to finally open up about it. xx

ashley nicole catherine said...

thank you, alyssa!! xx

diane {a spot of whimsy} said...

Heart breaking, that's what it is. Here's one thing you can say - he would be very proud who you are and what you have accomplished in the last 6 years. And you know he'd approve of James :)

Jessica Marquez said...

Aw... what a sweet post. I am so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard feeling these emotions all over again. My thoughts are with you this week. Xo

Cara-Mia said...

This made me honestly cry. I am so sorry for your loss.

Lena said...

Sending you so much love.

ashley nicole catherine said...

Thank you sweet, Lena.

ashley nicole catherine said...

you're so sweet - thank you xx

ashley nicole catherine said...

thank you, jessica. it's helpful just to talk about it, so thank you for reading!

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry Ashley- I'm thinking of you during this time of year!

Julie & Lauren said...

So sweet. I can only imagine. Thinking of you. XO

Elizabeth // The Now said...

Oh Ashley, I am so sorry! I'm with @CharminglyStyled ... sending you all my love. I know that the holidays must be so hard. My husband lost his mom around the same time and I know it's hard for him. I'm thinking about you! xo

Alison said...

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my father unexpectedly 7 years ago and life has never been the same. The upcoming year will be hard since I am getting married and he will not be there. Thoughts are with you:)

ashley nicole catherine said...

Hi Alison, I'm so sorry... I hope you can find some way to include your dad in your wedding celebration - something special and meaningful for you :)

ashley nicole catherine said...

Thanks so much, Rachel!! xx

ashley nicole catherine said...

Thank you so much, Maya :)

ashley nicole catherine said...

Thank you!!! xx

ashley nicole catherine said...

Thank you, E! Big hugs for your man...it's hard to be without a loved one this time of year. xx

Pin It button on image hover